The breathtaking empty space of an open door

Fun in Panama

The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy!          – Psalm 126:3

I have no reason to fear. Perfect love drives out fear.

Yet there have been so many fears under the surface for this new season. What if I’m not qualified for my job? What if I don’t make new friends? What if I’m so homesick I get depressed? How long will I have to live in a tiny apartment and out of a suitcase? What if my husband is too busy? How will I form community? What happens when I don’t enough money and can’t control my own finances?

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These are just a few. Stepping into a place where everything is NEW on so many levels is extremely humbling and faith building.  It’s a grand new adventure and a terrifying cliff of unknown. I feel the stretch of both, and that is the breathtaking space where God is present. Maybe I’ve made it look easy. Let me tell you, it never is.

So thankful to be together at last :)

 Each day I’ve lived of this past month, God has been present and driven out my fear by loving me so well in the middle of humbling and unknown  circumstances. As this process is taking place, Allam and I are continually marveling at God and how HE loves us so much. We feel His perfect love and though we see daily how imperfectly we love each other, we are learning the joy of letting God provide everything we need in this season. 

My dear dear  fellow missionary friends Matt and Audrey shared a book with me called “Common Prayer: Liturgy for ordinary radicals.” It is a wonderful, timeless devotional book that I’ve been using for the past year or so. As I struggled one day to accept the world I now abide in, I found “A Prayer for Major Life Transition” –

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life, to organize myself in the direction of simplicity. Lord, teach me to listen to my heart; teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it. Lord, I give you these stirrings inside me. I give you my discontent. I give you my restlessness. I give you my doubt. I give you my despair. I give you all the longings I hold inside. Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth; help me to listen seriously and follow where they lead through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

There it is, there is the heart attitude I need to seek amidst the tricky, slippery slope of unknown freshness.

The view from our bedroom window in the morning

I give Him my discontent. There is no reason to dwell on what I had or what I wish would be.… I count all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ and being found in Him.

I give Him my restlessness. Stop, find peace in His presence, rest, choose the greater things that will not be taken away.

I give Him all the tumult of emotions. Instead, I listen to the signs of growth; change. How much better to plunge into the empty space than to plunge into the selfishness of my doubts, despair, and those stirrings that cause complaint and struggle against the change.

I organize myself in the direction of simplicity. How rare an occasion to begin afresh. How lovely to have to look to God for EVERYTHING. To realize, that He is sufficient, and all He has given me is more than enough. I am blessed and I am cared for by my King.

New teacher friends

Now, since there have been a lot of hours spent with the Lord, searching my heart and flinging myself at His feet in the hard moments, this all seems so lovely and simple.

It’s hard to describe the complete split of feelings I’ve had every day of this past month.

There is a time for everything… and I’ve been doing a lot of uprooting and planting, laughing and crying, mourning and dancing, keeping and throwing away, embracing and refraining from embracing…. He has made everything beautiful in HIS time. (Ecc. 3: 1-8)

This passage has freed me to feel the depths of all ends of this spectrum called life.

The most beauty I’ve found is living it united now with another. It makes all that realness double felt. I’m so thankful for this marriage relationship. I see Christ daily at work in this joining of two lives and sacrificially loving one another.

Allam singing on TV (not me :)

A life of letting go is hard to choose, because learning how to love is learning how to lose. – Mat Kearney –

Here are some more specific details…  

House – We moved in, through approaching darkness and pouring rain, everything got deposited sopping wet in the living room of the new house. We haven’t quite had enough time to sort everything out yet after drying it, so the house is quite the work in progress. Hopefully we will begin to get furnishings soon as well! We will rejoice over all the little advancements day by day. It is already beginning to feel like home and I’ve slept so well every night we’ve spent there!

The English Admin Staff

School – my job has been an insane challenge and full of craziness. I’m holding on for dear life, as with any new job, this one just seems more weighty with responsibility. The teachers are growing and adapting and doing a marvelous job teaching in very different circumstances. I’m proud of them and want to support them as much as possible. The school seeks the Lord in every detail, so this has been wonderful to see and be a part of as I take on more and more in my position as English Program Coordinator.

-       Allam is working harder than ever to advance his clinic and grow his practice. He’s visionary and generous and it’s a neat thing to watch and support… really, a ministry all in itself.

Marriage – Is so wonderful never having to say goodbye again! We’ve had a lot of things to figure out in this past month with much stress on our shoulders in the transition. I’d say, based on all of that, God has been gracious, however, we are both far from perfect. We’re figuring out marriage one day at a time and sometimes feel like it’s going great and other days feel like we have so much to learn. At the end of the day though, I’m so thankful for the gift God has given me.

Thank you – We’re putting up paintings, and putting sheets on beds, and cooking with pots and pans, and purchasing a washer and dryer and beginning to see the love you all showered on us all over our house. It’s actually an incredible feeling to have you all surrounding us in such tangible ways. It’s been pretty messy with thank you notes and I deeply apologize for that, but I do want you all to know how blessed we are by your love and kindness in helping us for this new beginning!

I’ve set up an account through a missions organization which will transfer funds to us in Honduras if you desire to support us further on into our journey. Please specify my name on your donation through paypal.

Thank you for your continued prayers for us! Each day is an adventure and a blessing and we are praising God and wanting to share this and so much more with all of our family and friends far and near. We send you our love!

Link for donations:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=UU6G8AWWP263C