Dear friends,
I write to you from the soft sunlight of my room, the breeze brushing past me, the quiet of this Sunday afternoon settling around me so that I can finally stop and sift through the fullness of life and outline and highlight a few things.
This e-mail comes in two parts….separate, yet the same, it is long, but I pray worth it. I’ve tried to make it full, so that you leave with the thoughts rolling around in your head and the words sticking in your heart.
PART I
February is always a short month, but this one felt it went by so fast.
In the book I’m reading, which I already shared pieces with you, has been speaking to me about time. Let the words inspire you as you take time to read this e-mail.
“Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time’s swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I only live the full life when I life fully in the moment. “Wherever you are, be all there.” I have lived the runner, panting ahead in worry, pounding back in regrets, terrified to live in the present, because here – time asks me to do the hardest of all: just open wide and receive. This is where God is. In the present. I AM – His very name. I AM, so full of weight in the present, that time’s river slows to a still…and God Himself is timeless. This is supreme gift, time, God framed in moment. Time is only of the essence, because time is the essence of God, I AM. Make every moment a cathedral giving glory….an architecture of holiness, a place for God. When I’m present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God. In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and holy.” (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp)
I had to share this big chunk of words with you because time is something that we all fight with, that I have been fighting with, and have come to that still place of understanding, the living in the moment described above brings such joy and freedom and beauty to life.
I have been less communicative with most of you recently because I’ve been in the midst of the moments here, living every day fully with my students -- laughing with them until tears run down my face over silly immature things, pouring myself into speaking truth in lessons and making them count, being here for the friends that come and sit in the hammock next to my bed and pour out their hearts, spending the time needed in prayer by leaving all the burdens at the end of the day at His feet and resting in the peace, rising up early to walk in the mist of the morning light and ask God for miracles in the here and now of our lives, singing songs of praise amidst the horrible hard realities of life that knock on our door at any unexpected moment….living in the here and now is exhausting, but the present I AM – YAHWEH is teaching and sanctifying my time, for it is He who “holds my times in His hands.” (Ps. 31:15)
Amidst the living in the here and now that has me flying through this life He has called me to, I have glided towards a solid conclusion that I am not done here, now.
So I am prepared to break the news to you all as I turn in my contract signed tomorrow. I am staying in Honduras another year. Didn’t think I would be saying those words, but everything leads to the same conclusion. God has more to do in and through me in here, now.
Already I know you all fully support me, accept my absence from your lives, and unselfishly spur me on to the things God is doing here. Thank you for this. It would be almost impossible without you supporting me in this way.
So, we are in that part of the year where it gets tough. Ugh. It’s going to a be a long month I say to myself, but the reality is that it is these hardest moments that really count. It’s the lessons we learn as we struggle and want to give up that have the longest lasting effects when we get through them.
My classroom has been a roller coaster ride each day. I never know what battles will be fought in a day, or who will overcome, but we have been learning….and if that is the end goal, then I can be confident that SOMETHING is being accomplished. J
I ask for prayer to continue on in this. I know I’m pouring myself all in. In that there is risk, and we’re heading straight to that point…you know that one where the flesh and selfish desires have to fight hard to take over…. It’s never that clear in the mind of a fifth grader, but it does happen as character is formed and decisions are made in the day to day…. Which side do I choose? Is the question that lurks on the horizon. Daily I see some teeter and totter from side to side, one day good choices are made, prayers are sincerely prayed, other days there are tears, and hurts, and the lips are set and prayers are refused. I know that I’m throwing it all out there and that they can ultimately reject, turn their backs, and walk away without accepting the change, deliverance, and truth that comes with the Jesus I constantly preach. This battle with the flesh is why I have to be on my knees so often, and why it is risky to throw it all in with them. They are only 10-11 year olds….but it counts, it matters, it’s what I’m asked to do as their teacher, though completely imperfect, I dive in, counting the cost, and trusting God for the end result. I know I will hardly see the ripple effects, but it doesn’t really matter to me anymore, it’s the obedience that counts, and the joy I get everyday by counting everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may know Christ, and be found in Him. (Philippians 3:7-9 was our bible verse this week.)
Some other details of life to keep in your prayers:
- My church has been a mess. Our pastor quit 3 weeks ago and left for Mexico at 3am the next morning, causing huge disunity, accusations, and hurt. Many chose to leave, only the faithful remained. Christ is our Head, and I wonder what He has in store for us as we seek and serve alongside these precious people. How I love the ones who have remained. My role has been prayer and encouragement and I trust God’s plan for our future.
- My caregroup is studying James and gaining wisdom and application as well as depth in each other’s lives as we search God’s word together and share life. We have a little time left in this year, but all of us are staying next year, which means more fruit will come from this time and relationship built. Please pray we continue in this, faithful and humble to God’s shaping us.
- We are going on a field trip to a school for the blind this week and I’m excited to see the kids reach out in a different way. It is always a stretching experience, so please pray for us on Wednesday as we let God open our hearts and eyes to see and love others that are different from us.
- Ministry with different Hondurans has been poco a poco (little by little) but still such a joy. Trent and I went to the church we worked with on the medical brigade and took the three precious girls out to lunch afterwards. We played UNO with them and enjoyed their personalities and time with them. It’s the simple things like this I get to do that just refreshes my heart. Please pray for God’s blessing on these types of relationships and more chances to build them. I want to be faithful with that “here and now” I’ve been living in.
- Semana Santa, the week heading into Easter will be our spring break and I’m looking at spending half of the week with a friend on an island beach, and the other half at an orphanage, sharing my time to get rest and rejuvenation and the other part to do what I desire most. Please pray for these plans.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your faithfulness, for your partnership, for your support I need and crave and can so little return.
Below is the 2nd part of this update….it’s the summary of my dreams and visions for ministry and how they came to be. Read on it you want or have time…. God asked me clearly to share these things with you.
PART II
Have I told you of my dreams? Have I shared my heart with you in this way?
If you don’t know what I’m seeking, you can’t see the full picture of God’s work, and I need your support, your love and prayers for this long term goal, and so you can see the pieces put into place step by step….this is believing in faith, something unseen-- yet sure.
I pray it is not too bold of me to share with you the beatings of my heart and colorful visions for this life. I pray it is not too much for me to tell ALL of you the things I have only shared with a few….then again, what do I have to lose?
The thinking started when the Lord brought a conversation to me that was simply so inspiring and Spirit filled that it threw open the doors to those fluttering hopes I’ve been holding inside.
I decided that God would be much more glorified in fulfilling the things He spoke to me long ago if I had the strength to claim His words in advance and stand on the promises He’s spoken to me.
So, I’m inviting you to pray with me in a bigger way, to stand in faith alongside me, to know that our GIGANTIC God will work all these things for His purpose and His glory, in HIS way. “I think God wants to use nothingness. I am like a pencil in His hand, that is all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used.” (Mother Theresa)
Jesus, please be glorified with the words I use to express what you have placed in me…it is not mine, it is yours, use me, use each of us as we partner together for the advance of the gospel and as we seek first Your Kingdom and Righteousness. Amen.
To begin:
1.) Orphans – James 1:27 echoes in the halls of my mind “pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” I do not know when or where, but I need to love the orphans of this world to experience this pure and undefiled religion my Father describes. This came about probably my sophomore year of high school when I visited an orphanage in Mexico and then 2 weeks later worked with a team in Guatemala – both of those trips were influential in my love for Latin America, the opening of my eyes to God’s heart for His orphans, and the work God could possibly do through me. My Senior year of HS I went with over 70 people from our church to another orphanage in Mexico and it was there, sitting on a rooftop, stars blazing overhead, looking over the flickering city of Juarez, the faces of those children dancing in my mind, that I felt that heart tug to be part of their world, to live alongside of them, to love them. Obvious to all of your already is my love for children. I take such delight in them and for this reason I know the Father of the orphans, the forgotten, the worthless -- He has placed pockets in my heart for these, to fill as He will with an insatiable love for them that flows out of me in a tangible way, reminding these precious ones of a Creator God who has a purpose and plan to rescue them, to give them a place at His table, and crown them as Children of the King as they cry “abba – Father.”
2.) Missions – after going on those two trips at 16 I was asked to be part of the missions board at my church, led a missions trip for my HS youth group back to that orphanage, and prayed with my friends from school about “a calling to the nations.” My church’s mindset in missions was a beautiful picture to me and set an incredible example. In my mind I did not grasp all these things forming below the surface, I was just listening to God and following. It really wasn’t until college that I began to realize that deep passion to join God in His work around the world in some way. Eventually I learned that I was being prepared as one to “go.” I cannot even recount the hundreds of prayer meetings that were held, praying over different nations, pleading for the lost, sharing our visions to different people groups, and encouraging one another to step out in faith. One in particular solidified it all -- on our knees at 3 in the morning, God’s Spirit vibrating through the room, I said “yes” to whatever God asked of me in serving Him. I continue to say each day, “Here I am Lord, send me” – and I am willing and seeking to live life fulfilling this mission of the Great Commission – what adventures lie on the horizon with a calling of this, how blessed I am to be asked to “go.”
3.) A fight against materialism – (I stop to pray over my expression of this one)
This has been a battle in my heart for 5-6 years now, after the Lord opened my eyes to an understanding of how much I have been given as an American, living in the U.S. in comparison to the rest of the billions around the world who live on an income of less than $3 per day. I could give you hundreds of statistics, you’ve heard an array of them before….the bottom line, I am responsible for my life and to those who have been given much, much is required. I have been given immensely more than I deserve. Even in making a salary of about $8000 a year I am in the top 14% of the world. Sometimes I admit, I struggle I am seeking to “throw off everything that hinders” and live simply, with a small amount of possessions in this world. After all, I am really only a traveler passing through this life, my real home is being prepared each time I choose not to invest in the things of the here and now, and to keep my eyes fixed on that eternal goal. This one though, is the hardest for me to live out, you know the struggle yourself, there are constant decisions, constant pushes and pulls from all directions. I’m letting God do the work on me in this area, and I’ve continually failed, but purposefully seek to live a life set apart for the work of the Lord in this way. I found myself in tears on Friday just reading a quote I had written down from a sermon. “the rich young ruler walks away thinking that in giving up all his earthly possessions to follow Christ he would actually be losing something.”
Oh, that all my treasure would be locked in the vaults of heaven, and all my striving be only to hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant, you have been faithful in a few things, I will put you in charge of many.” (Matt. 25:21)
(My most recent inspiration is a sermon by Francis Chan – listen if you dare. J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBhqrtMqrv8 )
4.) Spanish – since that day on the rooftop in Mexico, Spanish became a huge goal, and also a testimony to God’s faithfulness and desire to complete things in and through me that I deemed “impossible.” Though many of you watched me fight hard to learn to roll my “R’s” and remember the million irregular verb tenses, God refined my character and resolve as well as providing a humility and understanding through the process of learning another language. However many times I cursed America for only teaching us one language, or however many tears I cried over failed tests, or however many blunders and incorrect words fell out of my mouth I claimed it would be all worth it if I could share the gospel with one person in their language…..now I have shared more than a dozen times the gift of salvation in Spanish, I speak it every day, and have a 90% comprehension level…..wow, the worker of miracles is already accomplishing for me things I did not believe possible, though teaching me the faith I need along the way as I relied on him to pull it together for me. There is still so much to learn. Yesterday I learned 8 new words and fumbled through several tenses still….but, I can communicate, and in that I can have RELATIONSHIP…and that’s what it’s all about.
I think that is going to be the 4 main things for now. There is so much more moving beneath the surface, but that is a bit of the history and process I wanted to share with you. Thank you for listening along the way, for encouraging, for supporting, and for allowing yourself to be used in the past, in the future, and for the here and now, to pray with me and believe in faith that He uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things -- for His glory alone.
God baptizes us with holy audacity and divine confidence! He is not wanting great men, but He is wanting men who will dare to prove the greatness of their God. (A.B. Simpson)
"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him."
(1 Tim. 1:12)
“Not to us, O LORD, bot to us, but to Your name give glory because of your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.” (Psalm 115:1)
