“What does love look
like, is the question I’ve been pondering?
If all of life comes down to love, then it has to be more
than sentiments, more than selfishness, and selfish gain… and then I saw Him
there, hanging on a tree, looking at me.
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed. He was bleeding. Love’s
definition was looking at me. This is how I know what love is. And He said to
me, you shall love me with arms wide open and heart exposed… sometimes
bleeding. If anybody is looking for love in all the wrong places, come to Me.
Take up your cross, follow me, forget your father’s house and run after me, for
You were made for abandonment wholeheartedly.
You were made for someone Greater, so follow Me and you’ll come alive
when you learn to die.”
(Misty Edwards)
The lyrics of this song are very powerful as I’ve walked
through the circumstances of life in the past couple weeks. My greatest lesson
has been to realize that loving with arms wide open and heart exposed means
living a life of ACTIVE and POWERFUL forgiveness over all situations and people
and things.
Forgiveness is a forgotten stronghold in Christianity. We
run to the LOVE of Christ most often. We run to the JUSTICE of Christ when we
are angry and upset at events. We run to the POWER of Christ in weakness and
failure. We run to the MAJESTY of Christ in worship and praise. We run to
Christ for many things, but how very little do I turn to Him for forgiveness
and how much less do I turn to Him in forgiveness of others.
The Lord has been teaching me a more excellent way. It goes
hand in hand with the THANKSGIVING that has been an overarching theme in the
past year, but forgiveness goes even deeper.
While at home I met with a friend and we began to pray in
faith over some of the spiritual attacks I had been facing. She gave me an idea
to pray in forgiveness over anything surrounding what the devil may be using to
get close to me in order to defeat the flesh. We prayed forgiveness over many
things I had no idea were pin pricks to my heart. The incredible thing was that
this gained YARDS of victory where as my past striving had felt only to gain
inches.
With this spiritual insight I began to use this strategy in
conversations and prayer times with other friends who came with wounds,
struggles, and frustrations. Over and over again God showed Himself powerful in
forgiveness.
Then God gave me a situation that cut deep through a
friendship I had poured heart and soul into…. It hurt. My heart bled. I went to
the Lord and He clearly instructed me. Forgive and give thanks.
Weeping on my knees I began that process of forgiveness. Not
just, “I choose to forgive this person’ but so much more, for every emotion,
motive, thought, and action I doused in forgiveness and then I began giving
thanks for the good, the bad, and the ugly and then through the tears my vision
came into focus – Christ on the cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not
what they do.” His arms outstretched,
His heart bleeding. He died in the pain of sin with forgiveness streaming from
his lips and THEN He rose in power over the death that sin causes because life
is rooted in the forgiveness.
I cannot describe the freedom that was wrought from this act
of forgiveness and thanksgiving. It was true communion with my Heavenly Father
and it was victory over the sin and death that could have brought darkness to
something God delights in redeeming. It was so simple, and yet, so extremely
difficult to surrender myself as Christ did.
All I know is that I have a much GREATER view of that for
which Christ died – and that forgiveness should be a much more integral part of
our daily walk than we allow it to penetrate normally.
(Please pray through the thoughts God may be putting on your
heart as you read this and don’t set them aside – there is victory to be had,
there is life to be shared!)
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Over Christmas I shared stories of burnt out in ministry and
struggled with the work the Lord has given me here and wondering if this was a
sign that I should move home for a new stage to begin. As I’ve prayed through
the wise counsel of my friends and family, I’ve struggled with the idea that
life is ministry no matter where we are. I have the same frustrations, trials,
and struggles no matter what location -- simply because my gracious heavenly
Father is trying to get me to a place of total dependence and surrender. It is
not the right choice to grumble and complain and plead my weakness and so
giving up in a sense (as I have been doing) but God has made it VERY clear that
I am to “throw off everything that
hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race marked out for me
with perseverance, by fixing my eyes on Christ, the Author and Perfecter of my
faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM, endured the cross, scorning its shame,
and sat down at the right hand of God the father.” (Hebrews 12:1-3) For
this reason I began running a few mornings a week. I will admit that it has
been grueling. Sleeping 5 hours, waking up at 4:30, running in the dark for 40
minutes (double what I’ve ever pushed myself to do before) and coming back to
begin a full full day of work is hard. BUT, God’s been using this as a very
tangible lesson in my life: it’s not easy. We have to push through those hard
parts. The prize is at the end… and we’re not there yet.
“Strengthen the feeble
hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those fearful hearts, “Be strong,
do not fear; your God will come.” (Is. 35)
Perseverance is something I would characterize myself by – I
don’t easily give up and I am determined… but I’ve found weak places as I’ve
been training my mind and body to go harder and farther than I though that I
could – and that is done SIMPLY by crying out at those moments of desperation,
and giving thanks in those moments when you just want to cry out in pain. This
has been defining for me - -not just in the act of running, but in my everyday
life when I come to those hills and twists and turns. It’s training my
reactions and heart to choose Christ and endure for the joy set before me. (not
the instant gratification or easy shortcuts)
All this to say, I will be signing another year contract in
the next week, and will commit my life to the Lord HERE, for He is the author
and perfecter and I simply the runner being carried along by the gaze fixed on
Christ and the power streaming from Him. “No,
in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” (Rom. 8:37)
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Romans 4: 16-21 has been a convicting passage on faith for
me and I’ve been challenged in ministry with a new mentality.
I think for a long time I have fallen a “victim” to the
busyness and hard work/pressure of the “doing” in ministry. After many
conversations chipping away at that which was NOT the root of the problem I
finally asked God for insight into a new approach – knowing that the problem
lay within myself and that I needed HIS eyes to see it and know what needed to
change. The oh so simple conclusion: “You of little faith, why do you doubt?”
It came down to faith – I was lacking in faith, and so had
been acting as though things came down to ME in ministry, to MY work, to MY
accomplishing to ME changing things… and that is a completely INDEPENDENT
ministry apart from the saving and gracious work of Christ who said on the
cross, “It is finished” – He did all that was necessary in His death and
resurrection, therefore He is SEATED at the right hand of God the Father. Why
is He seated? Because there is nothing more to do. The greatest work is done
and now He intercedes on our behalf because we have communion with the Father
and HE is doing His work through us. It is HIS work, not ours. It is done
through His strength and power so that it may be eternal, lasting, and for His
glory.
All these things I know, I had been seeking, I want the Lord
to be in and through all ministry I do. It is for Him, by Him, to Him… and yet,
somehow through the lack of faith in HIS work of salvation, redemption and
grace I had taken a load I was not meant to carry and was falling under the
weight of it and blaming it on the ‘work’ God had ‘called’ me to do.
NO. He calls me to a light burden, to an easy yoke, to rest
on the Sabbath, and to laying down in green pastures. That does not mean I do
nothing. It means I do nothing apart from faith,
for this is sin. (Rom. 14:23)
My new mantra: “Not by strength, nor by power, but by Your
Spirit declares the Lord!” (Zech. 4:6)
I feel like I’m
experiencing some form of parenting in this time. So much energy is expended
each day pouring into teaching the minds and hearts of these 22 kids… and
sometimes I feel like a parent who’s always behind, never getting ahead, never
getting it to look right, under control, perfected… and then you look around at
all those other parents (in my case teachers) and wonder how they always make
it look so easy and beautiful -- when you’re dealing with real children and
real life -- and then you have to stop looking at others and focus where you’re
at and despite all the messiness, when it comes to the end of the day and you
look back, you just have to trust that every decision, every reaction, every
life lesson, every hug and smile was done for Christ and by His grace and
strength… and you just pray that that was enough, all you could do for that
day. And somehow (we all know how) in the end it comes out right, despite all
the mess ups and shortcomings and just plain old disasters along the way.
All this to say, I need more prayers for teaching… its hard
for me this year, and I freely admit I’ve felt like a failure all week and I
need more of Christ and less of me because there’s NO way to accomplish this
job without Him. I am struggling.
My student teacher arrives in 2 weeks and this is going to
be a very interesting feat to share with her.
Success stories:
-
My dad visited the last week in January and we
were able to help a few days with the medical missions team. This was an
awesome time of sharing my life here with my dad, as well as sharing the gospel
with over 2000 patients and loving on each one in different ways. My dad also
got to connect with my students and it was just so sweet to have that time with
him. God’s grace to me.
-
We held 2 separate challenge clubs for the 5th
and 6th graders (who I’ve been pouring a lot of time and energy into
loving and caring for) in February. One was a valentine’s club focusing on
relationships and how they are growing in this area. The other was a Spanish
worship time where they got to worship and be encouraged in praising the Lord
in their own language and in the spirit.
-
Our church has been ‘perking up’ with different
blessings the Lord has placed on us as we’ve been calling out to Him. One night
there was an overnight prayer and worship time where the church came together
to call on the Lord for this time, as well as a team coming from the states
last week to encourage us and help in some areas. Still there is no pastor, but
the church is still strong and growing mostly through prayer.
-
Bible studies have been sweet and deep – the 6th
grade girls got a lot of joy out of reading Joshua 7 last week (which is
miraculous based on the contents of that chapter) – they simply love God’s word
and want more of Him in their lives. We tried 28 days of Christian music to
help focus our hearts and minds on the truth… I’m proud of my girls. My study with some other teachers on the
minor prophets has been rich also.
-
Visiting the orphanage last weekend was amazing
to see the work God is doing there! The school this year just began with some
AMAZING changes in school procedures and things are much more organized and
growing in a good direction. I’m excited to continue pouring in there.
-
We had a field trip to the blind school this
past week and I woke up that morning with no voice and a sore throat. It was
NOT the time to be unable to speak as I was directing about 150 people through
the whole day and responsible for way too many things, and yet by God grace I
just laughed, took each moment as it came, and somehow God still accomplished
what He wanted (I trust, though it was messy at times!). The kids shared the
gospel and prayed with each child, provided clothes and lunch at the school out
of their own donations, and did some experiential learning in the classrooms
with the kids. They soaked it all in and took steps of faith and it was
beautiful to behold! *We have a class chapel to perform in this coming
Thursday, so we will need extra prayers in pulling this together in the next 3
days. Our lesson will focus on David and Goliath.
*Please pray for the car I am seeking to buy, the Lord is
testing my patience and my waiting on him on many occasions, but I refuse to
move forward in a direction without his guidance and blessing, so this means
waiting… please pray for the right thing to open up.
*Please pray for me as I work on some scripture memorization
and struggle through it. It has been very difficult to hide God’s word in my
heart recently – probably for the reason of busyness, but it is no excuse.
Maybe I will need more accountability. J
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Romans 4: 16-15
16 Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and
may be guaranteed to all Abraham’s offspring—not only to those who are of the
law but also to those who have the faith of Abraham. He is the father of us
all. 17 As it is written: “I have made you a father of many
nations.” He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who
gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.
18 Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of
many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”
19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was
as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb
was also dead. 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding
the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being
fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22 This
is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 23 The words “it
was credited to him” were written not for him alone, 24 but also
for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who
raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25 He was delivered over to
death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
