The End of the First Honduras Novel

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh –

It has been quite the ending of this story in Honduras and I’ve barely had a wisp of time to be able to process the grandness of God throughout each and every moment.

My two best friends and fellow 6th grade teaching dream team

It didn’t make sense when I started dating an incredible man in Honduras, that God would keep drawing me home to Colorado.

Wait, let me go back to before that. It didn’t make sense when I  heard God say ‘It’s time”, which was my cue to begin thinking towards change and returning to my family and home in Denver. 5 years at Pinares in Honduras and I was at the height of my teaching, LOVING my job, teaching with my two best friends, and seeing fruitful ministry all around.

Why now God? But I had claimed years back, when other decisions had to be made, that I would go when God told me to go.

When I told Allam(my boyfriend) that the only direction I felt peace in was that of moving home, we had to address some things in our relationship. What does this mean for us? Is he willing to wait? He released me to the Lord almost immediately and has been trusting the Lord since. This has given me such freedom to walk in the Lord’s will.

But oh, it isn’t easy when it doesn’t make sense.

Care group leaders!

I found myself sinking into Bible stories, like that of Abraham, Joseph, Noah, Mary and Paul. It doesn’t make sense to build a ship when no one knows what rain is, or sold into slavery for years when God has given you a vision of grandeur. It doesn’t make sense to be shipwrecked several times and yet still in the middle of God’s will or pregnant with a Savior when still a virgin. 

It doesn’t line up to take what God has promised and sacrifice it in faith on the altar… with trust to raise a knife to kill your only son. YET, in that moment of raw trust….low and behold Jehovah Jireh provides in the moment when you clench your fist and squeeze your eyes tight and breathe in…. and then the voice comes. “Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me…”  (Genesis 22:12)

There was a lot of waiting, seeking, holding on, clenching tight, and pleading with the Lord to do what I heard Him saying to me. I was not going to withhold from Him what he had GIVEN to me.

Language School with Sarah!

All I heard through the tumult of worried thoughts I kept having to sort through and discard was: “Hold on.”

And then He shows up like a ram in the bushes.

Let me provide for you a job in Colorado, better suited for you than you could ask.

Let me provide for you a peace that transcends all understanding as you let go and sacrifice thank offerings with the work I have called you to do. Remember, it’s mine.

Let me give you an added gift of language school and maybe throw in a short beach trip to Costa Rica. Let me show you how I have used you and how I have loved through you. Let me show you my work here, the fruit of labors sown in love, reaped in part BEFORE you leave.

I stand amazed. I deserve nothing. I have received everything and more.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I didn’t ‘hold on’ and instead tried to control things or explain what was happening from a fleshly perspective, or ignore the Lord’s commands and walk in disobedience. ‘Oh yee of little faith.”

“But to each one of us grace has been given according to what Christ proportioned it.” (Ephesians 4:7)

I’ve been recently listening to a pastor called Afshin Ziafat at Providence Church. He is preaching through a series on Romans and I’m enjoying the podcasts, especially Romans 4. He says this about faith:

“Faith is the wholehearted trust in God that causes me to base my life on God’s Word regardless of the circumstances. Faith doesn’t succumb to circumstances, but puts it’s hope in God’s ability and promises.

Abraham didn’t waver in his faith, and therefore glorified God. (Romans 4:20-22)

My students:

-       Took over 200 gospel tracks in faith to share with people during their vacations and willingly promised to give up some of their time to bring the message of salvation to people in Honduras.

-       Made me so proud by their unhindered proclamation of scripture and their faith for their 6^th grade program. (I will try to post a video or link soon!)

-       Made a goodbye video and a goodbye party and gave me an outpouring of hugs, words, gifts, and love before I left.

Sweet goodbye's at school 

My church, friends, and fellow teachers:

-       supported me when I was in the swirling waters of the unknown and lifted up my arms in the battle

-       cried many tears of love and wrote words of kindness and said goodbye in such an honoring way

-       will carry on the work in the Lord’s calling on their lives without me by their side, but I can’t believe I can trust the work to carry on, what a gift!

My boyfriend:

Farewell from Allam's family

-       has chosen to give me all the support I need to GO, and follow the Lord

-       He will wait until the Lord’s timing for us and we will allow God to work on our hearts and relationship over long distance in the meantime

-       Allowed me to finally cry in his arms all the pent up tears the past month of transition has built up in my heart

-       Came with a mariachi band to my door at 5am to sing me goodbye

So now, I return with my big red suitcase in hand and plant my feet on US soil with all the peace in my heart and mind. God  almighty provides. I know this transition will not be easy, but I don’t look at my circumstances. I have been given many mighty promises, and with these held close I proceed.

“You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving towards all He has made. The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him. He hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love Him. My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise His name for ever and ever.” – Psalm 145: 17-21- 

Yes, our God rebuilds and redeems!

The world seems to be crumbling all around, broken people, broken relationships, dreams in rubble, buried hopes. Some days I look around and despair creeps in. How are my students ever going to rise up in the midst of all that is against them? Is it possible to rebuild everything that is so destroyed in lives all around?

1 Chron. 6; 9 - For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

1 Peter 3:12 - For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
 and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

I’ve been studying the story of Nehemiah rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and realizing that God is looking to leaders—ordinary men and women who are willing to stand up to the call and build something despite opposition inside and out.

Nehemiah’s example is based on three things:

-       prayer

-       Fear of God, not man

-       Servant leadership

*He also unifies the people to work together as well as read the word of God and worship together.

Thus the wall of Jerusalem is rebuilt in 52 days and everyone recognizes the work of the Lord.

What if we accomplished things in this way? What if we led lives reflective of Nehemiah’s example? Would there be so much rubble?

What is God calling us to rebuild? What is God showing you needs redemption?

When was the last time you wept and fasted in prayer or threw up your hands in worship surrounded by the community of believers?

I challenge you to read Nehemiah, look at how God is asking you to live your life and what you need to do in the world, in the community, amidst the crumbling lives you affect? He will strengthen you. His eyes are seeking those who are righteous and his ears attentive to your cry.  May we rise up together to accomplish this work around the world!

Care group outing! 

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Friends, it’s transition time for me and I’m spinning in emotion and preparation.

Honestly, I’m just holding on for dear life, knowing there are a lot of pieces of my heart that will be torn off and left here. How do I prepare for that? In 8 weeks I will be back with family, cuddling with sisters, hugging friends, sharing stories over coffee, and breathing in Colorado air. That world awaits me so lovingly and anxiously.

Yet this world here still clamps hard on my heart, it grips my hands tight, and maintains my gaze until the last glance goodbye.

Running group!

No matter the preparation, the reality is that I have poured out 5 years of my life here and the pain of leaving is good because it means I have lived and loved well in the little I’ve been given. God has been faithful when I have been faithless. This place marks so many changes in my character and vision. These people have loved me through ups and downs indescribable. They have witnessed transformation and shoved me onward. So I keep going, fixing my gaze on Christ -- the author and perfector of my faith.

This is a good photo description of our
days at school! :) 

Now, how might I hold all this inside? What do I do in order to prepare two suitcases of five years when my heart is bursting at the seams?

This is a plea for prayer. In 52 days, the time it took Nehemiah to build the walls of Jerusalem, I will be arriving in my beautiful Colorado home.

I need you to partner with me in this transition to the end and to support me as I arrive home a little frazzled.

I need you to rejoice with me because the Lord has been SOOOOO good to me and I am filled with joy! In the outpouring of God’s grace, I have been able to laugh every day with my students… a couple days last week I had tears running down my face I was laughing so hard. I have been able to grab sweet moments with friends as I continue to read and study in my different Bible Studies and learn and grow in God’s truth. Then there’s running, which keeps me sane when all the emotions bubble over.

I am more than blessed and I can’t quite express it all in words. Yes, it’s a tug of war.

This is my handsome man! 

So, my plan for this next year is constantly changing as I seek the Lord and wait for His will. As of now, I am returning on June 25^th. I am applying to a few schools in Denver for jobs and trust that the Lord will open the doors to the right one. (Please keep this in prayer as well!)

My wonderful boyfriend continues to claim more of my heart each day. That’s another aspect that God has me wondering about. How is this all going to work?

Why was his visa rejected? Why am I supposed to go home as we just begin this relationship here? I have stopped asking the questions and settled my restless, controlling mind on the truth that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I just want to listen and follow the Lord.

Though Spring break plans didn't go as
desired, we still enjoyed sweet
fellowship as well as adventure!

This will not be easy, but God knows what is best. I choose His ways instead of my ways.

I hesitated to write this blog because I knew it would be messy, but alas, such is life. The rebuilding is not for the faint of heart. We must step up and take the lead and watch God accomplish more than we ask or imagine. But more than all of that, we must be in constant communication with our Father through prayer. Please keep me in yours as I pray for you too. (Hebrews 5: 7-10)

On that note, I leave you with this question from John Piper’s Book, “Don’t Waste Your Life”

It may not be loving to choose comfort or security when something great may be achieved for the cause of Christ and for the good of others. What paths of risk and sacrifice should we take in our passion for the supremacy of God in all things, and in our zeal to magnify Christ, and in our single-minded commitment to boast only in the cross? 

Katie is my dearest friend and sister
and I'm so thankful for her partnership
in the gospel for the sake of Christ

Nicole came to visit and got to know Allam!

Sure! We'll just be in a folkloric
music video for the town of
Danli! 

Lord Hear Our Prayer

We do not have a God who is far off, but a God who is near.  (Eph. 2:13)

The Lord is close to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. (Psalm 145:118)

I taught on Hannah at Bible Study this week and found humble awe in the example of this woman and the intimacy she shared with the Lord.

Her story is found in 1 Samuel 1 and 2.

Hannah did not have a son. Instead of complaining about what she didn’t have, going to other means to bring it, or blaming God for not giving her something as important as an inheritance, she instead went to her knees to plead with her King. Her passion was so evident that Levi (the priest) thought she was drunk, but when he spoke to her, the response was: “I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.”

… and the Lord remembered her… and she had a son and named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

Later she dedicates him back to the Lord and worships with a beautiful song to the Lord, proclaiming “For the LORD is a God who knows.”

Oh friends, what an example and a refreshingly crisp stand against the world’s selfishness and our own control. Our God KNOWS our neglected needs, desperate pleas, and hidden hopes.

My testimony today is similar to Hannah’s and I want to share with you the truth of the words she has spoken as I have seen them played out in my life.... "because I asked the Lord for him." 

For years I have pleaded with God for someone to come alongside me in this life of ministry and service. I knew deep down that I could do nothing to bring it to myself, hurry the process, or make it happen by some force. In my waiting I was often on my knees as Hannah, pouring out my soul to the Lord.

I’m not going to downplay or elaborate the difficult process, but the Lord remembered me. 

This Thanksgiving I had the opportunity to visit a children’s home while traveling up north in Honduras for the break. A missionary friend I had recently met invited my friend Katie and I to join in the celebration with them since we would be passing by that direction on Thanksgiving. It was a delightful time of fellowship  and giving of thanks, but the moment that stands still in time is the one where I moved to the kitchen to cut the pies for dessert and found a man in the kitchen amidst the chaos of many children running around and a pile of dishes… he was calmly scrubbing away at the sink. As conversation commenced and we began to share how we had arrived at Thanksgiving dinner that evening, the Lord opened up a rich time of sharing and challenging one another in our lives lived for the Lord. As many conversations of mine resemble this one, I thought very little of it, except to give thanks to God for a fellow brother in the faith running the race with perseverance.

However, numbers were exchanged in the process and the text messaging initiated. In order not to give any false hope, I usually do not respond more than a polite reverberation to such messages from Honduran men… but these messages were so saturated with scripture and praise to God that I found nothing wrong with responding.  As the encouragement in the Lord and challenging continued it became clear that the Lord had some purpose for us meeting. Throughout Christmas break I shared of the possibility of this random encounter turning into something more with many of you and began to pray about what the Lord could have in store.

Upon returning in January to Honduras, the doors for a relationship were promptly laid ajar and the Lord beckoned me to step forward into this new great unknown. Only God could have spoken to my heart as clearly and knowingly as He did.

A few weeks later my dad came to Honduras on a medical brigade (more stories to tell from this week soon to come!) and began to drill this eager Honduran on any and every aspect of his intentions. He passed the test with flying colors and a blessing was extended to proceed. (This has been the biggest and most confirmational gift I could have received in this process, such a delight!)

As I’ve been walking forward in the joy and terror of newness alongside another life, I sense God’s hand so guiding us that peace springs through the clouds to dissipate the dew of fear. There is no fear in love, for perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18)

I am perfectly loved by my Elohim and I stand on El Tsuri, listening to El Raah’s voice and calmly following El Olam each day of this brief journey of life. It has to count for something. It must. 

Now my challenge is constantly giving BACK to the Lord that which has been entrusted to me. As Hannah returned saying, “I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him. So now, I give Him to the LORD.”

I desire my attitude to be the same… constantly giving back because of God’s gracious and undeserved gift so that He might be most glorified in me as I am most satisfied in Him.... not His gifts. (Piper)

Please join me in praying for the Name of the Lord to be blessed as I seek God’s will for the future in this relationship and allow God to instruct and guide on the path of righteousness. We desire with our whole hearts to proclaim the gospel to the world with our lives and relationship from this day on and forever, together or apart. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Other prayer needs:

1.)  I am traveling with my running group to El Salvador this weekend to participate in my first half marathon. The spirit is willing and the flesh is weak. Please lift me up in prayer specifically on Sunday morning.

2.)  The students are seeking the Lord and learning and growing in Him constantly and for this I rejoice, and yes we will continue to rejoice as we celebrate 50 years of God’s faithfulness to our school the following weekend. Please pray for the Name of God to be over our school as a banner pointing to Christ for Honduras.

3.)  Discernment as I finish my time here, running with perseverance until the end and then seeking the Lord for the next step. I need more faith. 

My challenge for you is to lay out your petitions as Hannah, going solely to the Lord and knowing that HE REMEMBERS. He will not forget what you lay before Him as you seek Him(Matt. 6:33). There is no one like our God who redeems His people in such glorious ways. Pray in the Spirit and allow intercession and obedience in prayer take you to new altitudes of faith you can only experience through the Lord's great grace. 

Below is a beautiful prayer quote from George Herbert (1593-1633) that leaves me reeling with desire to know and communicate with my God like this!

PRAYER the Churches banquet, Angels age, God’s breath in man returning to his birth, the soul in paraphrase, hear in pilgrimage, the Christian plummet sounding heaven and earth; engine against the Almighty, sinner’s towre, reversed thunder, Christ-side-piercing-spear, the six days world transposing in an hour, a kind of tune, which all things hear and fear; softness, and peace, and joy, and love, and bliss, exalted Manna, gladness of the best, heaven in ordinary, man well dressed, the milky way, the bird of paradise, Church bells beyond the stars heard, the souls blood, the land of spices, something understood. 

God revealed Himself marvelously on the medical brigade!
What a privilege to be a part of this servant hearted team!

Stories from our visit to the Cancer
center leave me in awe and wonder.